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Ultimate Intimacy: The Elusive Challenge

       I have been a practicing clinical psychologist for many years and in that time I have seen clients from many countries and all walks of life. Despite their diverse backgrounds if I were asked what is the one common, elusive aspect of life that all humans, regardless of circumstance long for I would have to say sustained intimacy.

         Most people can create intimacy initially but few are able to sustain rich intimacy with a spouse, friends, children and colleagues that is lasting. Regardless of wealth and professional success in the end if intimacy is missing one’s soul is devoid of the richness intimacy provides. When this occurs it creates a desperate sense, a growing uneasiness inside that prevents calmness and ongoing joy.

     People start to feel more anxious and begin to look for ways to ease the emotional pain caused by the ongoing yearning for love. This state of mind can lead to addictions, depression, anxiety and an ongoing sense that life has lost its meaning.

     I can always discern the quality of a person’s internal life once I understand the degree of intimacy a particular individual has been able to create and foster.  No matter how successful individuals are in other areas of life if intimacy is lacking the spirit of the individual will falter and grow weak over time.

     What are the ways you can begin to foster the kind of closeness you desire?

         First of all remember your self-care is an important factor in your ability to be present. If you’re eating poorly, not exercising, abusing alcohol, and not sleeping adequate hours you are probably not in a position to maintain intimacy. If you’re not feeling alive it is hard to listen to those close to you in a manner that conveys interest, patience and a willingness to go beyond the surface of relating.

         Knowing how to listen and express empathy are also critical keys to fostering closeness. Listening from an empathic position requires a willingness to enter the world of the other person while leaving your own preoccupations, biases, and judgments behind. This ability needs to be practiced and improved regularly. It is an art that makes another person feel heard and deeply understood. It is an ability that allows you to truly understand the heart and soul of the person you love.  It is not enough to understand, you must be willing to put your understanding into action, into words and behaviors. Nothing is more powerful in establishing a close bond as being able to listen and respond in the manner I am describing. I have worked with couples on the brink of divorce and once they have followed this formula over time they often create a degree of sustained intimacy they have never experienced in their lives.

   First you need to take good care of yourself. Secondly this allows you to be in a position to listen and respond on a deeper level that goes beyond the surface to the heart of those you love. In a romantic relationship you also have to develop a mature understanding of sexuality. In the Power of Empathy we stated that “ We touch bodies when we have sex, but we can only touch hearts and souls with empathy guiding the way………what we seek in the sexual experience is not simply the release of tension but the momentary merger of two souls that simultaneously confirms and expands the relationship between us. This is ultimate intimacy, the moment when two hearts and two souls join together as one”.  This experience allows us to feel more affectionate as we age with our changing appearance as we have a deep love for the person, far beyond the surface and deep within the essence of the person before us. 

     This is just a brief overview of how to essentially grow love and intimacy. I welcome your questions and comments as this is a complex process that deserves more space and time.

Coaching or Psychotherapy? Which is right for you?

       In recent weeks I have had several clients ask me what the difference is between executive coaching, psychotherapy, positive psychology coaching, and supportive psychotherapy. In general many people don’t know the difference between coaching and therapy and find it difficult to decide who to call to successfully reach their goals.

     Due to limited space I cannot describe the differences among these modalities in detail but let me outline a few key distinctions that may clarify the direction you might want to pursue.

   Psychotherapy that explores how the past relates to the present is called psychodynamic, basically exploring the cause and effect of life circumstances. Supportive psychotherapy is more present based, does not delve into the past because the client may not be resilient enough to cope with deeper work, or because the individual does not require more than a supportive relationship to attain their desired outcome. Certified coaches and positive psychology coaches’ focus on present issues related to lifestyle, work situations, health, and personal issues with clear strategies to achieve positive results.                                 

Many clinical psychologists use both psychotherapy and coaching modalities. They decide through a comprehensive evaluation which modality is best suited to a client’s needs and capabilities. Several psychotherapeutic methods focus exclusively on the present akin to the present focus of coaching approaches. Certified coaches are also trained to focus on present oriented strategies and are taught to refer clients to licensed mental health clinicians when history seems to interfere with current functioning.

     In my view there is one major issue that differentiates practitioners and the approaches they use: when to explore the past and when to focus exclusively on the present and future. I have found over the years that clients are often indecisive as to which direction they should pursue. I have interviewed people who think they want coaching when in fact they really need to work out historical hurts that are hampering their current life. On the other hand I have worked with people convinced they need to be-labor the past when they really need to be strategizing on how to establish a healthier lifestyle in the present. Unfortunately if you place yourself in the hands of an inexperienced practitioner you could be headed down the wrong path for a very long time, wasting your resources while experiencing a disappointing outcome.

     So what are the indicators telling you which way to proceed? If you have written a story about yourself that is negative in nature it will dominate your life experience and rob you of ever reaching your potential. If you received an adequate amount of empathy early in life, emerged with a positive story about whom you are and what you are capable of, you don’t need to focus on the past. My golden rule is if the past is interfering with the present it needs attention, if the past is not a factor in terms of current dilemma’s then it is not necessary to focus on history.

   How do you know if the past is interfering in your current life? It is quite difficult to determine alone, as one of my European clients recently remarked, “The camel never sees its own hump”. Ask those close to you if they see a pattern in your behavior. Patterns, good or bad, reveal historical learning’s and certainly reveal the story you have written about yourself over time.

     A client of mine was referred a few months ago by his HR department because he was having difficulty working for a female manager and was not advancing within his department. According to the HR representative his manager is a person who speaks with authority, is known for being a powerful strategist with a no –nonsense approach to those who work for and with her. My client wanted a brief coaching experience to develop better strategies to cope with what he considered her “cold, arrogant and uncaring behavior” as well as his belief that she was limiting his potential. He wanted strategies to address his superior successfully but had little interest in exploring his past or considering how his personal roots may be related to his current perceptions.

    Ultimately he humored me and told me about his family background. His alcoholic mother, an attorney who was noted for being feared in court as well as being feared by her passive husband was the dominant figure in his early childhood. My client grew up feeling anxious in his mother’s presence due to her unyielding perfectionism which was made worse by her lack of affection. My client witnessed his father taking a helpless stance and retreating with obvious dissatisfaction. You get the picture as to how his old story could dominate his current thinking and perceptions. Without re-writing his fictitious account of himself, particularly the chapter that indicated he would be humiliated in the presence of strong woman he would be doomed to continual anxiety and doubt about himself.

     Often there is resistance to exploring the past for fear that one will get lost in an un-ending maze and never emerge with clarity. Conversely there is often fear from those who dwell on the past that they will be expected to change and be held accountable if they move forward. There is a time to encourage people to take action, to develop coping strategies to improve their lives and there is a time to re-visit the past and discover and conquer those aspects of our histories that are inaccurate and holding us in a fixed, unproductive position.

   A seasoned clinician can help you determine the direction that is best for you. Remember, we often want what we don’t need and need what we don’t want. I encourage those of you who realize you’re not reaching the place in life you truly desire to seek consultation in an effort to obtain objective feedback to gain clarity regarding the dynamics that may be holding you back from the happiness and satisfaction you deserve. If I can be of help in your pursuits please feel free to contact me directly. apc

The Downward Trend”

Feeling Overwhelmed, Exhaustion and Being Overweight Go Hand in Hand

–        By John Allen Mollenhauer

Why are so many people tired, stressed and overweight? It seems the majority of people have a motivation problem; overeating and lack of exercise are implicated as the causes of the overweight condition.

You could say we are overweight because we eat too much and live sedentary lives and that both are causes of obesity and you would be right, at least in part, acknowledging the obvious.

But what is not so obvious, are all the hidden causes of obesity and overweight that are by far more influential in the rise of the obesity epidemic, that reinforce our food and fitness habits to begin with and many motivated people fall prey.

These are matters of lifestyle. Our stories that we tell about our lives, past, present and future drive how we manage to spend and recuperate our personal energy, including but not limited to, the quality of the food we eat and our activity levels every day as we achieve our goals.  

Physical inactivity plays a major role in gaining weight, but the reason we are physically inactive most of the time, is exhaustion. How often have you said “I want to exercise” but you find yourself simply too tired throughout the day to get anything done. We’re overwhelmed and tired, lacking time, space and energy to do what we need for healthy bodies. Inactivity is a result, an effect, but not the original cause.

What about the claim that overeating is to blame? We are overeating, yet the primary reason, long before discussing a market saturated with addictive fatty foods, is that most people faced with relentless demands on their time and energy, are worn down and looking for a quick pick me up.

In that besieged state, not only do they eat more for the stimulation they crave and more of the addictive fatty foods that are extraordinarily convenient, but the combination of excessive stress and nutrient-poor food virtually guarantees they will overeat. Overeating is a result, an effect, but not the original cause.

Overwhelmed and exhaustion is the greatest threat to our wellbeing and our weight. They go hand in hand. Look at your life for a moment and think of the ways you feel overwhelmed or exhausted. How often do you feel this way? What makes you feel this way?

Where are you putting your focus – cause or effect?

Are you combating the negative effects of your lifestyle by eating less and exercising more? Or, are you addressing the lifestyle that is promoting over eating and inactivity…?

You can only deal with the primary causes of weight gain at the level of lifestyle. Everything else is an attempt at manipulating your current condition for a short term gain and the results of this approach are well documented.

Do you ever wonder why diets and fad exercise programs don’t work for you? Do you wonder why you start off good for a week or so but then the big plan fails and you feel even worse than you did before?

Besides simply running out of energy, hitting the wall and “falling off the wagon” so to speak, there is more to change than changing the story about your life. There are also practical aspects of your story that require you gain knowledge without which you will fall for manipulative traps.  

The high protein/low carbohydrate fad was the classic example of manipulation. Millions of overweight people, addicted to super stimulating junk foods, stopped eating refined carbohydrate and started eating no-carb animal protein to manipulate the storage of carbohydrate in their body to lose weight.

This so-called “solution”, while beneficial in the sense that less junk food was being consumed, replaced an already unhealthy way of life with another (consuming large amounts of high fat, nutrient poor animal protein) to lose weight. In the end, this does not lead to a healthier person. You are replacing one bad habit with another and this doesn’t really get you anywhere but further into the downward trend.

Where in this grand misdirected project was there any talk of the lifestyle that was giving rise to the consumption of junk food to begin with? Or talk about food quality? The discussion was about weight loss and was non-existent. Meanwhile millions of people struggled, got sick, including Atkins himself (who died) and gave up. This is discouraging to anyone who hopes they can break free of the downward trend they are just discovering. But there is hope out there- once you discover the real problem.

The Real Problem

What is the real problem? Most of us are suffering from a bunch of hidden challenges, not the least of which are personal stories about our past, present and future lives that are driving us a little bit crazy. We are overwhelmed, caught up and overcommitted and this excessive energy expenditure promotes the downward trend – exhaustion, over consumption, physical inactivity and being overweight.

The addictive, stimulating food and drinks all around then purport to give us more energy and they don’t. Over stimulation by its very nature is exhausting. These nutrient-poor foods then drive us to over consume in an effort to get our nutrient needs met and it doesn’t happen. Our now overwhelmed and exhausted bodies are no condition to be active. And the answer is eating less and exercising more? You could not assemble a better trap for staying stuck.

Countless weight loss programs aim at dealing with the most obvious symptom of our lifestyles when they go awry. They are sold as lifestyles and what’s really being said is, “lose weight for life” and of course that’s not a successful lifestyle. Human beings want the natural experience of life and living on a manipulative weight loss program is not natural. It’s not that these weight loss solutions don’t or won’t work; it is that they don’t work alone, forever or in some cases, at all.

And so the cycle continues…

Few solutions address the real problem; your lifestyle – why you are tired and overeating, and physically inactive to begin with and the downward trend stays in play. It is this trend, complicated by all the solutions that do not solve the problem that give consistent rise to obesity statistics, even though we spend billions of dollars per year on weight loss.

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This graphic above illustrates the downward trend on a population basis and it makes the point that the weight loss industry is not working. Eating less of foods that don’t serve you and exercising a fatigued body even more does not work. You will not see success and any illusion of success will be short-lived.

How you look, feel and perform ongoing are the direct result of your lifestyle, not the result of “eat-less” diets or “exercise-more” workout programs created for the express purpose of losing weight that are not based on a successful lifestyle.

Looking, feeling and performing better is about avoiding becoming overwhelmed, exhausted and overweight. The only way to do that successfully is to think and live better and that requires we change our lifestyles at a deep enough level to get the benefits.  A change in lifestyles is always preceded by a change of story.

Image Love

     Performance Addiction is the belief that perfecting appearance and achieving status will secure love, happiness and respect. It is an irrational belief system hardwired early in life and reinforced by cultural expectations, especially American cultural expectations.

     As a result Performance Addicts have great difficulty maintaining intimate relationships. None of us fall in love with a real person initially; we fall in love with an image. In the obsession and compulsion of romantic passion we escape from time, we escape from responsibilities and the binding and blinding effects of sex delude us.

   The binding part is pure physical attraction-lust, raging hormones, and sexual excitement. The blinding component is a screen of illusion obscuring the love object, the partner who is the target of sexual devotion. He or she is not perceived as a real person. The partner is a source of escape and ecstasy, an object of desire. This is what I call Image Love.

                                          Love’s Illusions

     The emotional part of the brain has a powerful influence on relationships. If you have Performance Addiction some of the characteristics that attract you to a person are probably written in stone in your brains emotional center.

    Given the importance of achievement to performance addicts it’s not surprising that sex itself has become a performance issue in many marriages. Expectations of sexual performance are set high. What if you can’t meet those expectations? The problem can often be resolved through understanding your unique belief system. A negative story created early in life can drive performance and create unrealistic expectations of yourself and others.

     Sexual intimacy is an expression of uncritical affection. How can you be uncritical if you are perfecting your own performance while judging and evaluating your partner?

                                      What Is Love Really?

Performance addiction can be unrelenting in its demands for comparison, measurement, and competition-and none of these is a component of love. Loving is quite different than being “being in love”. “In love” demands only brief acquaintance to establish emotional connection. Loving derives from sustained intimacy, the prolonged journey of knowing another’s soul. If you have Performance Addiction you may find it very difficult to make the transition from being in love to loving. Whenever you lose faith in the promise of relationships, you are likely to substitute performance measures and become obsessively driven and isolated.

                                     Loving a Real Person

         If you and your spouse/lover were meeting for the first time today, would you choose the same partner again? In other words, given what you know now, when image love is long gone, would you make the same choice? And if not, do you have clear reasons as to why you would make a different choice?

        Your response reveals a great deal about how you feel about yourself and your current relationship. No love relationship is an easy road leading to ever deepening commitment. The level of empathy shared with a spouse tells a great deal about where your relationship has been and is likely headed.

                                       Daring to Meet in the Middle

        Initially we are drawn to each other to make us more complete people. We are attracted to an aspect of the other’s personality that is under-developed in ourselves and very developed in our partner.  As we become more interested in developing the skill we admire we can move past image love. Achieving that balance, as pragmatic and un-romantic as it may seem, just might be the key to lasting love.

      In the final analysis, true love is dependent on our ability to place relationships with those close to us above our quest for image and status.

What is a Spiritual Learner?

What is a Spiritual Learning

The spiritual learner is someone who realizes there is something beyond ourselves that influences and accounts for life events—an intangible that cannot completely be explained. For many this is the work of God; for others it is the work of the “Universe;” and for others it is simply an undefined spiritual experience. A spiritual learner is a person who takes in information from diverse sources, and in terms of religion, he or she is a person who realizes and accepts that all the major religions have made worthwhile contributions. A spiritual learner is an open-minded person who expects to continue to gain wisdom about the human condition throughout life. He or she expects to revise theories and change perspective as new learning takes place. He or she is not wedded to one way of thinking, one psychology or one religious orientation. This is important to living a balanced, healthy, high-achieving life because we are constantly faced with new situations that require that we adapt and change.

The perspective of being a spiritual learner can be applied to most aspects of life; any fixed way of thinking and behaving that has rendered an unhealthy outcome should be reevaluated. Individuals of this persuasion are not threatened to reconsider behavioral patterns that have become entrenched but may need adjusting, or may need to be totally abandoned. In my family, for instance, the men were all heavy smokers. It seemed like the thing to do and it seemed perfectly healthy for the World War 11 generation. It was endorsed at the time by many doctors and scientists who were paid by the tobacco industry. As a young child I pleaded with my father to stop smoking, but it was to no avail. I could hear him cough every morning; it just didn’t seem like it was good for him but I had no data to support my argument. Ultimately the habit he had found to be his saving grace in World War II took his life at age 66.

My father was just beginning to turn the corner in his thinking. Of course his severe addiction altered his intention on most occasions, but the day he died he was down from four packs of Chesterfields a day to four cigarettes. He was beginning to employ a spiritual learner perspective to his addiction when time ran out. He was entertaining the possibility that his belief about the innocence of smoking was wrong and he was starting to consider an alternate perspective. He realized that his behavior was robbing his spirit of energy (he was sick more often, had shortness of breath as his body was failing him and his spirit for life was diminishing.

Learning Connects Us

In this regard I believe that part of the appeal of Tibetan Buddhism for Americans is the ongoing efforts of the Dali Lama to learn and integrate new findings. He has often stated that Buddhism is an ancient religion with many ancient texts. Yet he has indicated that the teaching of these texts needs to change according to new knowledge. He has displayed openness to scientific knowledge, particularly the neuroplasicity of the brain. This kind of orientation to life makes our days more interesting, increases energy and allows us to be part of a wider world. We are more connected to an array of individuals and experiences. Spiritual learners are invested in discovering and experiencing whatever enlivens the human spirit in a healthy way.

Being a spiritual learner naturally gives us the tools to rewrite our story; remember part of the definition is “to learn from all credible sources,” including ourselves. This means we now have an opportunity to take in accurate information about ourselves, our beliefs, our career paths and most importantly, our culture, country, and world. We cannot live free of the curse if we are not concerned with people throughout the world. Personal liberation requires an awareness of the fact that certain societies, cultures, and organizations create systems that enslave others If we are self-absorbed and just tend to those closest to us who are most like us, we create a small non-diverse world which limits our personal and spiritual growth. In essence, the well-being of others is our well-being. There is no separation for the spiritual learner. Our story can now be rewritten because we trust the opinions of others, and in a global sense, we trust that those around the world have important insights and wisdom to contribute.

A Life of Truth

Spiritual learners rewrite their unsupportive story in on-going fashion. They have developed hope and trust in others and have come to realize that self-learning and learning about the world is endless. It is exciting to have this philosophy in your heart as learning no longer becomes threatening, but rather becomes a constant way of enhancing your sense of self. You become liberated. Open to all those around you, and most importantly you are open to the world at large. You now are a contributor to a better society because you are free to be a genuine participant. No more cover ups; no more need to protect a false story. The greatest feeling is to know the old story is mostly made-up.

Rewriting our story is never just about our rearranging our internal view of ourselves. It is also about rearranging all we have learned that is inaccurate. For instance, baby boomers grew up believing German and Japanese people were evil and despicable. Turns out they thought the same of us and the propaganda of all three countries turns out to be false. Today, many young people are growing up thinking Muslims are violent, despicable, evil people. Some Americans pull Muslims out of their cars and beat them. What a horrible travesty; a misinformed manner of promoting violence and maintaining an unsupportive story of ourselves and many others. Cutting off the opportunity for empathic understanding and vital connections. Remember that any distortion of the truth, in us or with others, leads to self and societal destruction.

Spiritual learners are committed to the truth about themselves, their families, friends and all those who inhabit our world. We are committed to examining every bias in our minds and hearts so that we live in harmony with the truth. If we are in opposition to the truth for fear and other defensive reasons, we are much more prone to developing and maintaining the curse. Why? Because we are then constantly misdirected in terms of how to feel comfortable within ourselves and in the world; we are always hiding behind mythical beliefs about ourselves and others.

Empathy-The Path to Truth and Balance

When I wrote The Power of Empathy I defined empathy as the capacity to understand and respond to the unique experiences of another. I knew in my heart and through my experience that empathy was and is the key to personal and professional success. I was basing my opinions on my experience as a clinical psychologist and as a husband, dad, friend and community member.

    I knew two things: we are born with this capacity and if not developed it will atrophy like an unused muscle, and I knew from leading group sessions for over 25 years that human beings can be taught how to expand their empathic range in ways that will reap profound benefits.

   In recent years research on empathy has exploded. We now know we have empathy neurons, called mirror neurons.  We know that empathy is the brain’s salve for limiting aggression; it has an inhibitory effect on violence and produces successful negotiation rather than needless confrontation. Research has confirmed that empathy is the key to stopping the bullying in our schools and the terrorism that exists around the world.                                                                                                                                   We know that so called “empathy organizations” like IBM and Harley Davidson grasp opportunities quicker, react to change with less anxiety and they offer their employees a sense of purpose in their work that fuels a positive work environment.

  Our schools are beginning to teach empathy at early ages and the benefits are not only being displayed in increased interpersonal skills, but test scores have been advanced for those young people displaying the highest capacity for empathy.

   Jeremy Rifkin, recently published “The Empathic Civilization”. He extensively reviewed research from biological and cognitive scientists concluding that empathy will likely determine the fate of our species. He encourages readers to contemplate what he considers to be the greatest question of our time: Can we reach global empathy in time to avoid the collapse of civilization and save the earth?

      President Barack Obama has evoked much reaction with his frequent use of the word empathy. As a senator he indicated that John Roberts was deficient in his breath of empathy. Subsequently he indicated the Supreme Court needed a person with empathic depth which led to the nomination of then judge Sonia Sotomayor. It is amazing to me that empathy would not be a characteristic expected of all individuals in positions of authority. How else can we possibly understand, with accuracy, the variables that accompany each significant problem we face?

   Studies after study in schools of business have determined that the main reason for failure in leadership, despite strong technical skills, has been poor interpersonal skills, in particular limited capacity for empathy. These studies have consistently indicated that the trait shared by most successful executives is the ability to “sense other’s needs” and “make others feel heard”. We know from our recent uncovering of Wall Street ethics that empathy is the key to constructive, ethical business practice. Business schools throughout the country are now  integrating ethical, empathic practice in their curriculums.

      The greatest role that empathy plays is to allow us to establish and maintain intimacy in love relationships. Without empathy guiding the way closeness cannot be established and we cannot possibly understand our partner on a deeper level. Empathy leads us from superficial connections to deep, heart-felt relationships that accept the whole person, imperfections and all. That acceptance is both internal and external, for at the same time empathy embraces others it leads us to accept ourselves with all our limitations and shortcomings. Through empathy we learn how to love each other deeply and truly, and we discover why the search for the real person rather than the right person is central to our quest for happiness.

   Research on parenting styles has consistently revealed that parents who listen and interact with their children from an empathic perspective raise children who are happier, more secure and who are able to make relationships of diversity with relative ease. These children are likely to become leaders who others seek out as they become noted for having an even handed way of dealing with people. They become better decision makers and better negotiators’.

 Empathy, in essence, is the key to a balanced life filled with love, healthy accomplishment and a strong relationship to community and the world at large.